Tonight, it’s not about politics—but, self-reflection. Often in personal life, I find myself overreacting and not truly listening. Even when I ask for nuance, it’s rarely to understand—it’s to prove I’m right, and that narrows my perspective, leaving blind spots that I can’t ignore. If we’re always the smartest person in the room, we’ll never know true enlightenment. Overconfidence doesn’t just limit you; it cuts you off from what others offer. Shift your focus from winning alone to growing together and listen, really listen, embrace “I don’t know.” Admitting that, isn’t a weakness, it’s courage that shadows pretending you’ve got it all figured out.

The Psychology of Needing to Be Right (Why Do We Do This?)

The urge to be right isn’t just a personal quirk—it’s a fundamental part of human psychology. Our brains are wired for certainty because it provides a sense of control, stability, and security. But this drive for certainty doesn’t always align with truth. Instead, we unconsciously shape reality to fit our beliefs, often without realizing it.

Understanding why we do this is crucial. It’s not about intelligence or education; even the brightest minds fall into the trap of defending flawed beliefs. This happens due to a complex interplay of cognitive biases, emotional investment, identity protection, evolutionary instincts, and social conditioning—all of which make being wrong feel like a threat rather than an opportunity

1. Motivated Reasoning: When We Justify Rather Than Think

Motivated reasoning is the subconscious process of bending logic to fit our desires. Instead of evaluating evidence objectively, we selectively accept information that confirms what we want to believe while dismissing what challenges it.

For example, if someone is convinced their political party is the best, they might dismiss credible reports of corruption while readily believing weak or unverified claims about the opposition. It’s not that they’re lying to themselves on purpose—their brain filters information in a way that protects their belief.

A study by Ziva Kunda (1990) found that when people are emotionally attached to an outcome, they unknowingly engage in biased thinking to justify their stance. Neuroscientific research by Drew Westen (2006) showed that when individuals encounter information that contradicts their views, their brain’s emotional centers activate, not their reasoning centers. Instead of adjusting their beliefs, they rationalize them.

2. Confirmation Bias: The Mental Echo Chamber

One of the most powerful forces behind the need to be right is confirmation bias—our tendency to seek out, interpret, and remember information that supports our existing beliefs while ignoring or rejecting contradictory evidence.

This is why:

• People often consume media that aligns with their views.
• They argue in ways that reinforce their assumptions.
• They surround themselves with like-minded individuals.

Over time, this creates an echo chamber where opposing ideas are seen as threats rather than alternative perspectives. The more we engage with confirming information, the stronger and more unquestioned our beliefs become.

3. Social Validation: Why Being Right Feels Like Power

Beyond personal biases, there’s also a social element. Being right—especially in debates—gives us a sense of control and intellectual superiority. Our status in a group is often tied to how persuasive or knowledgeable we appear, which makes admitting uncertainty feel like a loss of authority.

Social comparison theory, proposed by Leon Festinger (1954), explains that people evaluate their beliefs by comparing themselves to others. When we assert our correctness, we’re not just proving a point—we’re reinforcing our identity.

This is why arguments can become personal—we aren’t just debating ideas; we’re defending our self-perception and social standing.

4. The Illusory Truth Effect: Why Repetition Makes Beliefs Stronger

Another reason we cling to being right is the Illusory Truth Effect—the phenomenon where repeated exposure to a statement makes it feel more true, even if it’s false. Studies have shown that even people who initially recognize falsehoods as incorrect start to believe them after hearing them multiple times.

This is why propaganda and misinformation are so powerful. It’s not about intelligence—it’s about exposure. The more we hear something, the harder it becomes to question. Our brain equates familiarity with truth, making it easier to defend something we’ve encountered repeatedly, even if it lacks evidence.

Where This Leads

Understanding the psychology behind the need to be right helps explain why we resist changing our minds, why debates can feel so personal, and why we often don’t listen as much as we think we do. But what’s the cost? How does this mindset affect our relationships, learning, and decision-making?

Next, we’ll explore the consequences of always trying to be right—and why clinging to certainty often leads to greater failure in the long run.

The Consequences of Always Trying to Be Right (What Does It Cost Us?)

The need to be right may feel satisfying in the moment, but over time, it creates blind spots that can cost us relationships, opportunities, and even personal growth. The very thing we cling to—certainty—becomes a prison that limits our ability to learn, adapt, and connect with others. When we prioritize being right over understanding, we sacrifice wisdom for ego, often without realizing it.

1. It Damages Relationships

No one enjoys feeling unheard or dismissed. When we focus on proving ourselves right rather than engaging in genuine dialogue, we alienate the people around us. Conversations become battles rather than opportunities for mutual understanding, and over time, this erodes trust and connection.

• People stop engaging. If every discussion turns into a debate where the goal is to “win,” people withdraw. They might stop offering their opinions, avoid difficult conversations, or disengage emotionally.
• It creates resentment. Constantly asserting your correctness can come off as arrogance, even if it’s not intended that way. When people feel belittled or unheard, resentment builds, creating barriers in friendships, romantic relationships, and even professional settings.
• It makes genuine connection impossible. Real connection requires vulnerability—the ability to say, “I don’t know” or “I see your perspective”. But when we’re too focused on being right, we miss those moments of deeper understanding.

2. It Stifles Personal Growth

The moment we believe we have all the answers is the moment we stop learning. Growth requires an openness to new perspectives, a willingness to be challenged, and an ability to admit when we’re wrong. When we prioritize being right, we unknowingly shut ourselves off from learning opportunities that could make us wiser and more capable.

• We reinforce our own ignorance. The more we avoid questioning our own beliefs, the more rigid and outdated they become. Instead of evolving, we stagnate.
• We stop seeking better solutions. The best ideas often come from open discussions where multiple perspectives are considered. If we assume we already have the best answer, we close ourselves off from discovering something better.
• We miss out on self-awareness. Growth isn’t just about knowledge—it’s about understanding ourselves. If we never stop to ask, “Why do I feel the need to be right?”, we miss valuable insights into our own psychology.

3. It Leads to Poor Decision-Making

Many of the worst decisions in history were made by people who refused to acknowledge they were wrong. When we become overly attached to being right, we ignore warning signs, dismiss opposing evidence, and double down on bad choices - think Trump and tariffs where

• The sunk-cost fallacy kicks in. When we’ve invested time or energy into a belief, we resist changing our minds—even when evidence suggests we should. This leads to clinging to bad investments, toxic relationships, or failing strategies simply because we don’t want to admit we were wrong.
• We reject feedback that could help us. If we see every critique as a threat to our intelligence or credibility, we miss out on constructive feedback that could actually improve our thinking.
• We become predictable. Those who are unwilling to challenge their own views become easy to manipulate. Political leaders, marketers, and even social media algorithms take advantage of people who only seek confirmation of what they already believe.

4. It Creates a False Sense of Control

At its core, the need to be right is often about control—the belief that if we know the answers, we can navigate the world more safely. But reality doesn’t work that way. The world is complex, unpredictable, and constantly changing. Clinging to the illusion of certainty can leave us unprepared for when things don’t go as expected.

• We struggle with uncertainty. The more we rely on being right, the more anxious we become when faced with ambiguity. But true confidence comes from the ability to adapt, not from rigid certainty.
• We develop a fragile ego. When our self-worth is tied to always being right, being proven wrong feels devastating. Instead of seeing mistakes as learning opportunities, we take them as personal failures.
• We lose sight of what actually matters. In the grand scheme of life, being right in every argument or debate is far less important than being thoughtful, kind, and open-minded. When we fixate on proving our correctness, we often miss the bigger picture.

Where Does This Leave us

The cost of always trying to be right is high, but the good news is that it’s not a fixed mindset—it can be unlearned. The key is shifting from proving ourselves to improving ourselves.

Next, we’ll explore how to make that shift—how to replace the need to be right with the desire to grow, listen, and learn.

How to Shift From Proving You’re Right to Actually Growing (How Do We Fix This?)

The need to be right is deeply ingrained in us, but it isn’t unchangeable. We don’t have to live in a constant state of defensiveness, clinging to our beliefs as if they define us. Growth comes from choosing curiosity over certainty, understanding over winning, and learning over ego.

Shifting from proving ourselves to improving ourselves requires a conscious effort to challenge our thinking patterns, embrace intellectual humility, and reframe what it means to be “right.” Here’s how we do it:

1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

Deep listening isn’t just about silence—it’s about engagement. If you only listen passively, the other person may feel like they’re speaking into a void. The goal is to create a conversation that feels mutually enriching, not like a debate where one side must win. To do that, you have to guide the conversation in a way that invites reflection and expansion, rather than defense and counterattack.

2. Keep the Conversation Going Through Open-Ended Questions

If you want to encourage someone to explain their perspective in a way that deepens the discussion, use open-ended questions that avoid putting them on the defensive. Instead of saying:

“I don’t agree with that because…”
Try:
“That’s an interesting perspective—what experiences led you to that conclusion?”

Other questions that keep a conversation open and productive:

• “What do you think the biggest misunderstanding about your perspective is?”
• “What do you think is the strongest counterargument to your belief?”
• “How did you come to believe this? Has your opinion evolved over time?”
• “Is there a situation where you think your belief might not hold up?”

These questions do two things:

1. They make the other person think critically about their own beliefs—which often leads to deeper discussions, rather than just reinforcing their stance.

2. They signal that you’re not there to “win” the conversation—you’re there to genuinely understand their viewpoint.

3. Should You Speak Your Side or Solely Listen for Reflection?

This depends on the goal of the conversation. Are you trying to learn, or are you trying to exchange perspectives?

• If the goal is personal growth, then prioritize listening. You don’t have to inject your perspective in every conversation. Some discussions are best used as opportunities to understand someone else’s worldview for later reflection.

• If the goal is a balanced discussion, then share your perspective—but do it after fully understanding theirs. Use phrasing that keeps the conversation open rather than shutting it down:

  • “I hadn’t considered that before. My own view has been shaped by [experience], which made me think [belief]. How do you see that fitting into what you just shared?”
  • “That’s a perspective I hadn’t thought of. In my experience, I’ve seen it differently, but I want to hear your thoughts on that.”

This helps keep the exchange collaborative rather than adversarial.

4. Instead of Challenging Their Belief, Ask Them Why Yours May Not Work

A great way to shift from proving to learning is by inviting critique of your own beliefs rather than tearing down theirs. This approach does two things:

1. It encourages them to think critically instead of just defending their own position.

2. It shows intellectual humility—you’re open to reconsidering your stance based on thoughtful discussion.

Try phrasing like:

• “I’ve always thought about it from [your belief] perspective, but what do you think the biggest flaw in that reasoning is?”

• “Do you see any situations where my belief wouldn’t work as well as yours?”

• “What’s a challenge to my perspective that you think I might not have considered?”

This reverses the usual debate structure, where people try to poke holes in each other’s views. Instead, you invite them to do the critical thinking for you, which often leads to a more constructive and meaningful dialogue.

The Goal: To Shift From Debate to Discovery

By listening actively, asking thoughtful questions, and inviting critique of your own views, you create a space where both you and the other person can grow. It’s not about convincing them to think like you—it’s about both of you leaving the conversation with a broader perspective than when you started.

2. Challenge Your Own Biases

Our brains take shortcuts, and those shortcuts reinforce what we already believe. If we only seek out information that confirms our views, we create intellectual blind spots. Growth comes from being willing to challenge our assumptions.

• Consume diverse perspectives. Read sources you disagree with, engage with people who challenge your views, and actively seek counterarguments.

• Play devil’s advocate with yourself. Ask: “If I had to argue against my own belief, how would I do it?”

• Be aware of emotional reactions. If a piece of information makes you defensive, that’s a sign to investigate further rather than dismiss it outright.

3. Reframe Being Wrong as Growth, Not Failure

Many people see being wrong as a loss—a hit to their credibility or intelligence. But in reality, admitting when we’re wrong is a sign of wisdom. The people who grow the most are the ones willing to evolve their thinking.

• Shift your mindset from “winning” to “learning.” Every time you update your beliefs based on new information, you become smarter, not weaker.

• Recognize that changing your mind isn’t flip-flopping—it’s intellectual evolution. Some of the greatest thinkers in history were willing to change their views when presented with better evidence.

• Celebrate growth moments. Instead of feeling embarrassed about realizing you were wrong, acknowledge it as a victory: “I used to think X, but I learned Y, and now I see things differently.”

4. Embrace “I Don’t Know” as a Strength

There’s a cultural pressure to always have an answer. But the truth is, the most intelligent people don’t always know everything—they know how to ask the right questions and where to find better answers.

• Normalize uncertainty. Instead of pretending to have all the answers, practice saying, “I don’t know, but I’d love to learn more about that.”

• See uncertainty as an opportunity. Not knowing something doesn’t mean you’re lacking—it means you have space to grow.

• Surround yourself with people who challenge you. If you’re the smartest person in every room, you’re in the wrong rooms. Seek environments that push you to expand your thinking.

5. Re-Evaluate What “Being Right” Actually Means

Most of the time, being “right” isn’t about truth—it’s about perspective. People have different experiences, values, and ways of interpreting the world. Instead of fighting to be objectively right, consider:

• Is it possible that both perspectives hold truth? In many cases, reality isn’t black and white—it’s nuanced.
• Is the relationship more important than proving a point? In personal conversations, prioritizing connection over correction often leads to deeper understanding.
• Does being right actually serve you? Sometimes, proving yourself right accomplishes nothing except momentary satisfaction, while openness to change leads to long-term success.

6. Break Out of Your Comfort Zone: Finding Your Environment for Growth

It’s easy to say, “Surround yourself with people who challenge you,” but in practice, this can feel intimidating or even impossible. Many people struggle to find environments where they can engage in thought-provoking discussions—either because they don’t know where to look, feel out of place or underprepared, or simply don’t have friends or family who push them intellectually. Here’s how to break through these barriers and create spaces that foster real growth.

1. Overcoming the Fear of Looking “Uninformed”

A common hesitation when stepping into new intellectual spaces is the fear of looking misinformed or out of place. Whether it’s attending a lecture, joining a discussion group, or even just asking a question in an unfamiliar setting, many people avoid situations where they might not know enough.

But here’s the truth: Everyone starts somewhere. The most intelligent and insightful people weren’t born that way—they became that way by exposing themselves to ideas beyond their comfort zone. If you already knew everything, there’d be no point in seeking out new spaces.

So, How Do We Move Past This Fear:

• Reframe ignorance as opportunity. Instead of thinking, “I don’t know enough to be here,” tell yourself, “This is exactly where I need to be to learn.”

• Ask better questions, not give better answers. You don’t need to impress people with knowledge—just show a genuine willingness to engage. Thoughtful questions often stand out more than uninformed opinions.

• Go as an observer first. If jumping into a conversation feels overwhelming, start by listening. Attend a panel, sit in on a debate, or join an online discussion just to absorb the energy before participating.

• Admit what you don’t know—it earns respect. The most engaging people are the ones who say, “I’ve never thought about it like that. Can you explain more?” instead of pretending to know everything.

Example: Instead of saying, “I don’t know much about philosophy, so I probably shouldn’t go to this event,” try, “I don’t know much about philosophy, so this event is exactly where I should be.”

2. The People Closest to Me Don’t Engage?

A major challenge arises when your immediate circle—friends, family, co-workers—don’t share your curiosity or interest in deep discussions. This can make it feel like you’re hitting a ceiling with no way to grow intellectually.

When your closest relationships don’t push your thinking, it’s easy to feel stuck. But growth isn’t about abandoning those connections—it’s about expanding them. You have two options:

1. Find new circles that do. This doesn’t mean abandoning old relationships, but supplementing them with new ones that encourage more engaging conversations.

2. Introduce challenging discussions into your current relationships. You might be surprised—sometimes, people are open to deeper conversations but just haven’t had the right space or prompt to engage. Instead of only talking about daily routines or small talk, try saying:

“Have you ever noticed how some products cost more because of government policies like tariffs? Do you think that’s a good thing or a bad thing?”

The key is framing the question in a way that encourages engagement rather than making someone feel like they need prior knowledge to participate. That way, even if they don’t have an answer right away, they’ll be more likely to think about it and respond.

How to do this:

• Join communities aligned with your interests. Look for meetup groups, book clubs, online forums, or local events that discuss the topics you want to explore. Even engaging in niche Discord servers, Reddit threads, or Substack comment sections can expose you to new perspectives.

• Find a mentor or discussion partner. It doesn’t have to be a formal arrangement—just someone who enjoys exchanging ideas and challenging perspectives.

• Test intellectual waters in casual settings. Instead of expecting people in your circle to suddenly have deep philosophical conversations, ease into them:

  • “I read something interesting today about [topic]. What do you think about that?”
  • “Have you ever changed your mind on something major? What caused the shift?”
  • “If you could have dinner with one historical figure, who would it be and why?”
    These kinds of prompts can spark more meaningful dialogue without feeling forced.

If these efforts don’t work, accept that not everyone will be your intellectual sparring partner, and that’s okay. Some relationships exist for comfort, shared experiences, or emotional support—but you still need an outlet for deeper intellectual engagement elsewhere.

3. Finding the Right Environment to Grow

If you feel stagnant in your current environment, it’s time to actively seek out spaces where you can learn and be challenged.

Where to look:

• Local Meetups & Events: Check platforms like Meetup, Eventbrite, Facebook Groups, or university lecture schedules for local discussions on philosophy, politics, science, or any other intellectual topic.

• Online Communities: Join Substack communities, intellectual Twitter spaces, or participate in Reddit forums (like r/ChangeMyView or r/AskPhilosophy) where respectful debate and diverse perspectives thrive.

• Public Debates & Talks: Attend public discussions, panels, TEDx events, or live Q&As where speakers engage in complex topics.

• Book Clubs & Study Groups: Look for groups discussing history, economics, psychology, or classic literature—even if the material seems outside your expertise, it’s a great way to get exposed to new ideas.

• Professional Associations & Conferences: If your growth is career-oriented, join industry-specific associations, workshops, and networking groups where experts share knowledge.

• One-on-One Conversations: Sometimes, you don’t need a big group—just one person willing to engage in thought-provoking discussions. If you meet someone who challenges your views, invite them for a coffee and ask thoughtful questions.

Final Thought: Growth Requires Discomfort

The biggest barrier to surrounding yourself with people who challenge you isn’t finding them—it’s overcoming the fear of stepping outside your comfort zone. Growth isn’t supposed to feel easy. It requires exposure to uncertainty, the willingness to admit gaps in knowledge, and the courage to be the least informed person in the room—not as a weakness, but as an opportunity.

The key is not waiting for the “right” environment to appear but actively creating it. The people who grow the most aren’t those who already have the answers, but those who seek better questions. When you embrace intellectual humility and curiosity, you stop fearing those moments of discomfort—and start seeing them as the most valuable learning experiences of all.

So ask yourself: Where is your next room, and how will you step into it?

The Power of Intellectual Humility (The reward of change)

The ability to say “I don’t know” is one of the most powerful skills a person can develop. Yet, in a world that often rewards confidence over nuance, intellectual humility can feel like a weakness. In reality, it’s the opposite—it’s the foundation of wisdom, adaptability, and genuine learning.

When we embrace intellectual humility, we shift from seeing knowledge as something to defend to something to expand. The goal is no longer to “win” debates or prove ourselves right—it’s to refine our thinking, challenge our assumptions, and continuously grow.

1. Intellectual Humility Opens the Door to Real Learning

True learning isn’t about collecting facts to validate what we already believe—it’s about recognizing how much we don’t know and being willing to update our views.

People who practice intellectual humility:

• Ask better questions. Instead of seeking validation, they seek understanding.

• Absorb new information without ego. They don’t feel personally threatened by being wrong.

• Recognize that changing their mind isn’t a failure—it’s growth. They view evolving beliefs as a sign of intelligence, not inconsistency.

“The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance—it is the illusion of knowledge.” — Stephen Hawking

2. It Builds Stronger Relationships and Deeper Conversations

People who always need to be right create barriers, not connections. They make others feel unheard, dismissed, or even resentful. Intellectual humility, on the other hand, creates space for mutual respect and richer dialogue.

• It makes people feel valued. When you listen with an open mind, people are more likely to share their honest thoughts and engage in meaningful discussions.

• It strengthens relationships. People gravitate toward those who don’t dominate conversations but instead invite different perspectives.

• It fosters trust. Admitting when you don’t know something—or when you’ve changed your mind—signals authenticity, not weakness. Others will respect you more for it.

“A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.” — William Shakespeare

3. Intellectual Humility Helps You Make Smarter Decisions

When you believe you already have the right answer, you stop evaluating alternatives, questioning assumptions, and considering new evidence. This can lead to poor decisions, stagnation, and missed opportunities.

People with intellectual humility:

• Are less prone to overconfidence bias. They recognize that their perspective is always limited.

• Make decisions based on evidence, not ego. They prioritize truth over being right.

• Surround themselves with diverse thinkers. They actively seek out perspectives that challenge their views rather than only reinforcing them.

Example: The best leaders don’t demand blind agreement—they create environments where team members feel comfortable challenging ideas. This leads to stronger strategies, better solutions, and long-term success.

4. The Ability to Change Your Mind Is a Superpower

Many people fear changing their mind because they think it makes them look weak or indecisive. But in reality, the ability to reassess, rethink, and evolve is one of the most valuable skills a person can have.

• Some of history’s greatest minds were wrong—until they weren’t. Scientists, philosophers, and innovators didn’t achieve breakthroughs by clinging to old ideas—they did so by being willing to abandon outdated beliefs when new evidence emerged.

• Changing your mind is evidence of growth, not inconsistency. It means you’ve gathered new information, challenged your old reasoning, and refined your understanding.

• It sets you apart in a world that clings to certainty. In an era where people dig their heels into their beliefs, those who are open to change stand out as wisdom seekers rather than ego protectors.

“When my information changes, I alter my conclusions. What do you do, sir?” — John Maynard Keynes

This need to be right isn’t just personal—it’s systemic. Institutions, leaders, and governments fall into the same trap, reinforcing their own narratives rather than seeking truth.

Final Thought: Growth Over Certainty

In the end, being right is fleeting, but being willing to learn lasts forever. Intellectual humility isn’t about thinking less of your intelligence—it’s about recognizing that intelligence is a journey, not a destination. The reward of change isn’t just better knowledge—it’s better conversations, better decisions, and a life that expands rather than shrinks into certainty.

And yet, the world around us resists this kind of growth. Just as individuals must challenge their own thinking, so must the systems that govern us. Without accountability, listening becomes an empty performance. They’ll nod, they’ll posture, they’ll deliver rehearsed soundbites about unity and bipartisanship—but without action, it’s just noise.

So the real question isn’t just: “How do to make sure we never stop growing?”

It’s also: “How do we demand that those in power do the same?” Because listening without action isn’t listening at all. It’s performance.